By Kiki Smith
Napoleon, Illya and Mark were spending a lazy afternoon in the U.N.C.L.E. restroom. All three were currently between cases, and given the fact that April was on holiday (unlike Napoleon and Illya, April and Mark had no compulsion to holiday together), they felt it was ample opportunity to discuss what they were going to get her for her birthday.
"You could always get her some lingerie." Illya mentioned, wondering idly how red he could make Mark turn with embarrassment.
"I would never go into a lingerie shop." Mark replied.
"You wouldn't? Why not?" Illya interrogated, for want of something better to do.
"Well, everyone would be looking at me and wondering what I was doing." Mark explained.
Mark's answer was too good an opportunity to pass up. "Why what would you be doing?" Illya asked. He only wished he could have as much fun embarrassing his partner as he could with Mark.
"Illya stop trying to embarrass Mark." Napoleon said breaking in, and hating his role of father in the discussion.
Illya looked dutifully sorry but looked across at Mark to see what reaction his question had attained. Mark ignored the question, but the pink tinge in his cheeks implied that he'd heard it. "I'll probably just end up getting her a box of chocolates and some flowers."
"That's very original." Illya stated, his voice implying the opposite.
"It doesn't have to be original, it's the thought that counts." Mark defended.
"And you obviously put a lot of thought into that." Illya added with sarcasm.
"I did actually."
Illya looked across at Napoleon. He'd had enough fun at Mark's expense, it was time to do the same to Napoleon. "So what are you planning on getting U.N.C.L.E. s only female agent Napoleon?"
"I thought I might take her to a nice little restaurant I know." Napoleon drawled seductively, "Delicious food, romantic music and good company; what more could a girl want?"
"Good company? Who else will you be taking?" Illya asked innocently.
"It'll just be the two of us. Are you implying that I'm not good company?" Napoleon asked in a hurt tone.
"No of course not, I just thought April would want more for her birthday than a chance to get laid." Illya replied.
"He does have a point Napoleon. April's our friend, not someone we can have a brief fling with and then cast away." Mark added.
"So what are you getting her then, Illya?" Napoleon asked turning the tables so that the interrogator was now the interrogated.
"I thought I would get her something practical. She's been complaining that the sights are a bit off on her gun, so I took one of the U.N.C.L.E. guns and modified it to better fit her personal specifications. Personally, I just think that it's her sights that are off, not the guns."
"You may be right. But I wouldn't tell her that if I were you."
"Don't worry, I hadn't planned to."
The End
Note: In the UK, a restroom is sort of like a lounge. I should know, at college I ate my pack lunch in one *G*.
An Anonymous Yank sent in her own version of The Gift for April Affair.
Napoleon grunted and replied, "Just admit it, Illya...everything irritates you. You complained just as vigorously when I under went that bout of diarrhea during our last assignment."
Illya glared at Napoleon and growled, "Thrush felt no need to place tracing devices on us. You were already leaving a trail of...."
At this point, Mark stood up. He broke into the impending argument by saying, "I'm heading for the agent's lounge, mates. I didn't realize that gas masks would be required when you asked to speak to me in private."
After Mark left the bathroom, Illya and Napoleon looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. "I wonder what his problem is," Napoleon said in a baffled tone.
"The difficulty in selecting a gift must have upset him. It suddenly occurs to me that something that smells nice might be called for."
Napoleon grimaced and farted again before replying. "Smart Russian. That would be perfect. Whatever gave you that idea?"
The End
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