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·Chapter 5: Illya meets a familiar face

***

Illya Kuryakin was having problems, the tennis match he was playing was not going well, for him anyway. All his other opponents had to put it bluntly, been pushovers. But this kid John seemed like he had been born to play this game and Illya with all his years of playing tennis was finding it difficult to keep up. A little dark-haired girl, who had a huge crush on Illya, was diligently keeping score, though Illya was under the impression that she was scoring in his favour far too often. Unfortunately, so was his opponent.

"Out," the little girl shouted her verdict on the ball.

"What? You cannot be serious, that ball was in. Mr Slate what do you think?" asked the young dark-haired boy, who was approximately Illya's age, apparently appealing for an unbiased judgement.

He was sorely disappointed, "It was out," Mark announced, much to Illya's surprise. Apparently Mark was under the impression that if he gave Illya every chance to win the match he could get back into Illya's good books. Unfortunately he hadn't reckoned on the fiery temperament of Illya's opponent, a John somebody… if only he could remember his surname.

"It was on the line, how could it possibly be out…" he continued his rant obviously passionate about the game. But it was only a game after all, at least to Illya anyway. No he didn't mind losing a game, it was the war he wanted to win. As Illya listened half-heartedly to the boy's rant, Illya's mind started to stray and he wondered what the boy, John would be like at eighteen. More importantly, he wondered what he would be like when John was eighteen. Would he be eighteen too?

"Nick what do you think?"

It took Illya a moment to rejoin the planet earth and realise what exactly John was referring to. "Oh absolutely, it was most definitely in," he replied. Much to everyone's surprise. The girl with the crush started looking at him in a new light, like he was the best thing since sliced bread and Illya rolled his eyes at her.

***

Once the game was over and Illya had been defeated by John, they started chatting.

"Thanks for before, you didn't have to agree with me, you had more to lose by the verdict than anybody."

"I had no desire to win unfairly. You were obviously the better player."

"It's what I want to be when I grow up."

"What a tennis player?"

"Yes, either that or a rock star. What do you want to be?"

"A spy. I'm sorry John, but I can't remember your surname."

"Oh it's McEnroe."

***

Illya and John were packing the sports equipment away in the school basement when the man appeared. He was smoking his cigarette and had just appeared from some sort of secret entrance. Typical of hired thugs he had a bulge in his suit jacket where his gun sat.

"Open Channel D please."

"Ah Mr Kuryakin, so good of you to join us," said the male voice from behind him, "if you'll drop your communicator." Illya did so leaving the channel open to be traced.

***

Illya was fuming. He was presently tied to a certain boy with dark curly hair. He cursed his own stupidity. Once again having been caught by those darn scientists, who had put him in his present predicament, only this time he knew a bit more about them. Their name for instance, their leader had gloated out his plans, for him at least. They were going to kill him, eventually.

The name of their group was MUNCHKIN and their operation was called Peter Pan. He could only hope that his rescuers would get there soon and he thought about all the bad things which were going to befall Napoleon, if he was late.

***

Illya was relieved to see Napoleon, Mark and April charging into the secret laboratory.

"Where are all the missing scientists kept then?" Napoleon asked the MUNCHKIN leader.

"You heard him," Slate added, pointing a gun at the leaders' head, "where are they?"

The scientist pointed to the cage behind him, which was filled with children.

***

"Where's the antidote Doctor?"

"The antidote?"

"The antidote to the age reversal project. Operation Peter Pan. Don't play ignorant with me. There must be one."

"But we haven't tested it properly."

"You mean to say you turned all these scientists into children and don't even know if you can change them back?"

"That is correct. We've had success with certain animals but no humans as yet."

"I'll have to be the guinea pig then."

"Illya," April said, "what are you saying?"

"It's the only way, I have to do this."

"But you could die. He's the enemy. How can you possibly trust him?"

"I don't, I trust you, my friends."

"If you're willing to do this then it's not my responsibility if…"

"You're wrong." Solo said in a deadly calm tone, "if he dies, you die."

"But you heard him he's willing to take the risk… You can't threaten me like that."

"Oh it's not a threat, it's a promise. If you allow my friend to die, you will join him, and I promise your death will not be a pleasant one. You'll die slowly."

"Roll up your sleeve." The doctor said reluctantly. His hands were shaking slightly as they held the needle. Illya took it from him and handed it to Napoleon. "What are you doing?"

"The way your hands were shaking Doctor you'd never get the needle in me and I'd end up with dozens of puncture wounds as well. Napoleon can do it."

Napoleon pressed the needle into the Russian's arm.

Nothing happened for a moment and they thought perhaps the antidote didn't work, then things started to happen. Sweat was pouring off the boy's forehead and he crouched in a ball, holding his chest tightly. Screams started escaping from between the boy's mouth and the Doctor started looking rather worried.

"Will he be okay?"

"I don't know. We need to get him to the hospital as soon as possible."

More worrying than the boy's whimpers was the sudden silence as Illya passed out.

***

Illya had found himself in a strange place, when he returned to awareness. It was filled with colourful flowers and little people called Munchkin's. They, along with a good witch who looked remarkably like April Dancer had told him to follow the yellow brick road and it would lead him to a wise old wizard called Alexander, who could send him back to Napoleon. There was no little black dog called Toto since he was afraid of dogs. Candy was the wicked witch of the west and in one bizarre moment earlier Andrea had been trapped beneath a house. He was trying to find his way to the wizard, but the Munchkin's seemed to have hidden the yellow brick road in places and he suspected they were involved with Thrush. He had plans to fully investigate them later on, if he was still experiencing the dream.

He knew why he was in Oz too. They'd been reading that children's book at school and he suspected that his mind had selected this dream to keep him occupied whilst his body recovered. He hoped this was the reason anyway. He'd tried clicking his heels together three times and saying 'there's no place like home', earlier. But he suspected his body needed more healing time, as he hadn't woken up.

***

After he reached the Emerald City, the Wizard spoke to Illya.

"May I have your report Mr Kuryakin?"

"Well Sir I was told to follow the yellow brick road by a bunch of little people calling themselves collectively Munchkins…"

"No, no Mr Kuryakin," the Wizard Alexander interrupted impatiently, "not your report on this fantasy. I want you to report on what transpired in the real world."

"Yes sir."

***

"Mr Kuryakin, will you go and bring me that yellow book from the far right side of that shelf."

"You mean this one sir?" He said as he walked back towards the Wizard after collecting the book.

"Well read the title, boy, what does it say?"

"It's called 'The Child of U.N.C.L.E. Affair' sir"

"Ah yes, that's the one I wanted. Can you read it out, I haven't got my reading glasses with me."

"Of course sir," he opened the book at the first page and began to read, "'Napoleon Solo was leading the assault team, looking for his partner…'" Illya broke off slightly puzzled, "It's about Napoleon sir."

"Not only that Mr Kuryakin, page 16 may be of particular interest to you."

Illya began to read, "'Illya looked warily at Candy. So this was his enemy for the night. He measured her assets and compared her to Napoleon's other conquests. Like the majority of the other women Napoleon had hooked up with, she was a bimbo. He wondered how long it would take her to remove her underwear (if she was wearing any at all). No, he decided, he couldn't turn Napoleon against this woman, the objective was to turn Candy against Napoleon. "Let Operation Sabotage Napoleon's Date begin," he said to himself.'

"This is about us sir, the case we're working on." He flipped to the last page, "the last page is blank sir."

"Hmm yes, Mr Kuryakin, it is rather distressing."

"You've read this?"

"Er yes, I rather enjoyed the part at the bottom of page 16."

"I didn't." Illya said icily.

"No I don't suppose you did. No as I was saying the last page is missing because the end of this particular affair hasn't happened yet."

"Who wrote this?"

"Nobody wrote it. The book doesn't exist in real terms, it is to put it simply a record of your memories of this affair. There's a whole wall full of books on Quantum Mechanics and various other subjects over there. It's very dry reading. Towards the far end of the room there are several volumes chronicling your early childhood. Some of the Uncle secretaries would give their eye-teeth for a glimpse at those. On the shelves where you obtained the book you're holding, there are a number of volumes containing your memories of your previous cases."

Illya pulled one of the early cases out, "The Vulcan Affair," he said reading the title, he flipped it over to reveal a blank page, "it's only one page long."

"Indeed Mr Kuryakin, I seem to recall that was one of the cases you didn't really participate in."

"Have you read all of the books in here sir?" He asked with obvious concern.

"Uh yes, do remind me to arrange you an interview to speak with one of our psychiatrists, your mind should really be studied. Some of your adventures have been somewhat unusual shall we say?"

"Oh? Which ones are those?"

"They're in the adult section, so you'll just have to wait until you're older."

"This is a really strange place."

"I can't be held responsible for whatever convoluted nonsense your mind dreams up. I have my own work to do, I can't spend my time trying to diagnose your problems. After you've finished reading that book I suggest you go home."

"But that's why I came here in the first place, I can't get home and the Good Witch of the North said you could send me."

"Oh very well, it's straightforward enough. You have to open your communicator and say 'there's no place like Uncle'."

***

The antidote had been successful to a certain extent and Illya was an adult again. He was however, still unconscious in the hospital bed. He was also wired up to machinery. Napoleon listened to the steady rhythmic bleeping of the heart monitors. He looked up when the bleeping changed. Doctors and Nurses rushed in.

Napoleon watched them working frantically and then they stopped.

One doctor turned to Napoleon and said, "I'm sorry. There was just nothing we could do."

Napoleon looked numbly at his friend, "Can I have some time alone with him?"

"Of course Mr Solo."

Napoleon walked over to the bed and touched the lifeless body of his friend.

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