"Illya are you awake?"
"No," he said snuggling down further into the pillows.
"Then how come you're talking?"
"I'm talking in my sleep."
Napoleon dragged Illya out of bed come morning to get him ready to enrol in school. Illya didn't so much object to going to school but rather to leaving the nice warm bed.
As Napoleon was about to leave the Russian in school he couldn't resist a final parting dig at him.
"Come on Illya, give Daddy a nice big kiss."
"Daddy's going to get a mouthful of fist if he doesn't stop being annoying."
"Daddy says little boys' shouldn't make threats they can't carry out. There's no way you're going to reach my mouth."
"That's right, but I can reach something else which would hurt a lot more."
"Point taken." Napoleon stood a moment in silence and then continued, "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
Illya broke into a laugh. "Napoleon they're just children," he said incredulously.
"I know that Illya, but so are you now."
"Don't worry Napoleon, if anything happens I still have my gun."
"Your gun?" He asked incredulously, hoping he was joking, but filled with the horror that he was probably serious.
"Napoleon do you take me for a complete idiot? I'm not bringing a gun loaded with bullets into the playground. No April made me switch to sleep darts this morning."
Napoleon looked at Illya's rumpled suit and started tugging on his lapels, straightening with his tie, and smoothing down the creases in his jacket. Illya gave him a withering look. Napoleon smiled and patted his cheek.
Napoleon waited until Illya was a few metres from before shouting across the playground, "Good bye little petal."
Illya turned and shot daggers at him.
They class chorused, "Hello Nicolas," Illya stood sullenly.
"Perhaps you'd like to tell the class a bit about yourself?"
"No."
"Oh come on Nicolas, don't be shy," she coaxed.
"I'm not shy. I'm a Russian spy and in the spy business you can't trust anyone."
"Okay Nicolas, I think we'll have you sitting beside, Andrea Tailor." Illya glanced at the empty seat beside the day-dreamy looking girl, who kept grinning at him and sighed. It was going to be one of those days.
"Now children I'd like you all to write a nice story, it can be about anything you want…"
"Now class I want you to come out to the front and read out your stories," the teacher stated, "Andrea you first."
"Can't I go first?" Illya asked, knowing that if he went second everyone would think it was he who had copied.
"No Nicolas, it's ladies first."
The girl strode to the front of the classroom, proudly clutching her story and began to read, "Once upon a time there was a Russian spy called Illya Kuryakin, who was partnered with an American agent. One day his incompetent fool of a partner was several days late in coming to his rescue and he got turned into a little blonde child and he was very cute…"
"Mm, I didn't write 'cute'," he remarked quietly to himself. Nobody saw the Russian reach for his apparent toy gun, nor did they notice the "psst" sound as the sleep dart imbedded itself in the girl. They did however notice the girl Andrea falling to the floor, and perhaps some noticed the mumbled, "I am not cute," coming from the new boy.
"Michael, quickly go and fetch the nurse, Andrea's fainted."
Illya found the distraction very useful, so that when it was time for him to read his story, he'd thought of another tale to tell.
"Once Upon a time there was a young boy named Nicholas and he lived with his Uncle Alexander. One day his Uncle sent him all the way to England to spend the holidays with his Aunt Edith and Uncle Emery. They had this wonderful dungeon and he would spend hours playing in it. His cousin Nappy came a couple of days later and they spent a couple of days pretending to be prisoners…"
"That was very good Nicolas, very original…" the teacher praised. One of the children put up their hand, "yes what is it?"
"I just wanted to ask Nick, why Nicolas in the story lets Nappy take the blame for what happened."
"Well, Nicolas was still a little upset that Nappy had dropped him in it with Uncle Alex when they were in Paris together."
"Hello Mark, have you found anything?"
"Not yet, but I think I'm going to enjoy this assignment. I'll have you running all over the place."
"Try it," he replied coldly.
"No I don't think I will." Mark sighed and then continued, "Illya I think we've been handed a lemon this time. The old man's clutching at straws, just because some scientist decided to up and disappear. There could be any number of reasons."
"Well I for one am hoping it's one particular reason. Em Mark you'd better watch yourself though. Some girls go for the older man, and you can't put bail on the expense account. I'll see you later."
"Sucking up to teacher already?"
"No."
"You're new here aren't you?"
"Yes."
"Well I should tell you that all the little boys here have to pay protection."
"No thank you."
"I wasn't asking you I'm telling you. Perhaps I should give you a warning."
"It's only fair to warn you I know judo and karate." The Russian sighed as the school bully apparently had no intention of heeding his warning and continued to come at him in an unfriendly manner. He took a defensive posture and prepared to do battle with the boy who was twice his size. Illya looked at the bully again, taking stock of his size in comparison to his own, then looked around and wondered if anyone would notice if he went for his gun.
"Do you have Dr Zhivago in the original Russian?"
"No I'm sorry, we don't have any Russian books. How about Goldilocks and the three bears?"
"Have you got anything on Quantum Mechanics?"
"No, but we've got the 'Freddy Frog Explains Science for Children' series of books."
"It's hardly the same."